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Blizzard of Depictions

A talk about the essentially unrepresentable nature of Buddhism, given by Norman at the “Speaking For the Buddha?: Buddhism and the Media” conference at U.C. Berkeley on February 8-9, 2005Speaking for the Buddha? Buddhism and the Media (a conference at U.C. Berkeley). Feb 8,9, 2005.

A week or so ago there was a huge blizzard in the northeast. I was watching reports about it on television. You'd see, in the tiny box of the television, pictures of snow-covered streets and buildings, with snowflakes whirling all around. There would be a reporter standing in the foreground all bundled up in a winter parka, his or her face barely visible, clutching a cold microphone. The reporter would be saying something like "There is really a lot of snow out here!" I watched these reports in Vancouver, British Columbia, where the weather was mild, with a light drizzle.

Wittgenstein famously said, ""Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent." But he didn't mean by this that what you can't speak about is irrelevant or non existent. In fact, Wittgenstein felt that the unspeakable was the most salient reality. He also said, "The mystical is not how the world is, but that it is."

I suppose that what I am trying to say is that the world of media is not the world that I or probably most committed Buddhist practitioners live in. The world I live in is more or less difficult to talk about or to depict in any way that is broadcastable or otherwise commercially viable. It's a quiet world, an unspeakable world, an intimate world. I am not saying that I don't watch television or go to the movies or read books or pay attention to the current buzz in Washington, or Baghdad. I'm only saying that I pay attention to these things knowing that they are different from the world I live in. (Of course the intimate world I am talking about also exists in Washington and Baghdad- only you do not see it on television). I pay attention to the media because I care about all worlds, not just the ones I happen to inhabit. I also know that "Norman Fischer" exists in several worlds, including the media world. I try to be clear about the difference between the various worlds so as to avoid getting them mixed up.

I realize that the title of this conference is "Speaking for the Buddha, Buddhism and the Media," and I suppose I am saying that it is really doubtful that anyone who can appear as a spokesperson in the media, including "Norman Fischer" or the "Dalai Lama," would actually be speaking for Buddhism. Because I don't think that Buddhism – at least as I understand it – is that sort of thing. I appreciate that in the title as it appears on the website there is a question mark after the phrase "Speaking for the Buddha." I guess that I am also doubtful about the language of the conference description that reads, "The notion of what it means to be Buddhist in America is determined not only, or even primarily, by learned monastics, but also by publishers, film producers, marketers, and entertainers." As far as I am concerned, what it means to be a Buddhist is not determined by any of these.

I wanted to get that thought off my chest so that I could go on. In this panel our specific topic is authority and transmission in Western Buddhism. This is something I know about and I am happy to address it. As a Zen priest and teacher I have been given the authority to transmit the Dharma to worthy disciples, and I have done this several times. One of the things we do in the lengthy process of Dharma transmission is to study together. We study, among other things, texts of Dogen that talk about the ineffable intimacy between teacher and disciple, and between person and world, and about the fact that Zen transmission is essentially undefinable and therefore undepictable, even in the realm of thought. I am not trying to be mysterious here, and Dharma Transmission isn't anything mysterious. It's just a fact of ordinary life. In our tradition there's no test you can give to ascertain whether someone who has received Dharma transmission actually has received it. All you can do it examine the documents of transmission and hear the testimony of the people involved that the process of transmission actually took place. In the tradition, authority in the Dharma is conferred not as a reward for skill or brilliance but mostly I suppose out of a sense of faith and confidence, on both sides, in this ineffable yet quite ordinary intimacy.

Some years ago when I was involved in the formation of an organization called The North American Soto Zen Buddhist Association, a professional organization for Western Soto Zen teachers, we considered how we would choose our members. In other words, how would we ascertain who was and was not a qualified Soto Zen Buddhist teacher. In fact it was quite easy: since we all understood that there cannot be any objective, in other words, media-worthy, way to suss out a Zen teacher, all we had to do was to trust that anyone who had been through the recognized Soto Zen Dharma Transmission ceremony in a recognized lineage was in fact a Zen teacher. Within the small world of Soto Zen Buddhism in the West, which has very little media exposure, this has worked quite well.

A few months ago someone came to me asking, in so many words, for certification as a Zen teacher. This fellow who was not only a bright Zen student with lots of talent and understanding- he was also already a Zen teacher with a thriving Zen group, and several members of his group had previously come to talk to me, telling me of his compassion, wisdom, brilliance, and so on. But I had to tell him that I couldn't give him Dharma Transmission without getting to know him well, practicing side by side with him, and going through the long process that all Soto Zen Buddhist teachers go through. Although the fellow really was in some ways a good Zen teacher, I could easily see the difference (although it would be hard for me to describe it, other than with a dubious phrase like "a particular feeling for life") between how he was practicing and what he understood, and how Soto Zen Buddhist teachers practice and understand.

Even though I couldn't help him out by endorsing his teaching, I had no problem with his going on teaching if that suited him and his group. Why not? If someone has something worthwhile to teach, and if there are people around who want to learn it, and keep on showing up, who's to say that the person can't do this? And if he wants to call what he does Buddhism, or even Soto Zen Buddhism, who's to say that this is a misnomer? "But," you might object, "uncertified Buddhist teachers could be charlatans, and could do serious harm to their unsuspecting and possibly charisma- addicted students." That's true. But certified religious traditions, including Soto Zen Buddhism, are full of instances of serious harm done by certified charismatic or uncharismatic religious leaders. Real religious practice is dangerous stuff; it is hard to tell the difference between the fake and the genuine, and both the fake and the genuine have the potential I am sure to be helpful or harmful to our lives. Students just have to trust themselves and hope for the best I suppose. This is the post-modern West, after all!

The media will always be depicting something about Buddhism, and people will follow those depictions, which will always (when it comes to the Buddhism I am interested in) be incorrect. Despite the great influence of the various media on all of us, I have a lot of faith that the Buddhism I am interested in, the unspeakable, intimate, Buddhism, will persist and will be carried on through the various traditions quietly amidst the snow flurries. I have no evidence for this: I just believe it.

Any religious tradition is and has to be an open system if it going to survive. A religious tradition is constantly being revised, influenced by its surroundings, and usually this revision is not conscious or deliberate. If, as I believe, the various Western Buddhist traditions we have inherited from Asia will go on quietly, outside the media glare, they will not go on unchanged. Each practitioner effects a change in a tradition, as does the weather, the landscape, and yes, the chatter of newspaper, radio, television, internet, movies, and so on. Change is inevitable, necessary. and positive in the long run, I think, so I am not worried. To be honest with you, I feel that the post-modern media-crazed world is a bit off balance and deranged. Nevertheless somehow out of this blizzard what's worthwhile and true will emerge; at least it is cheering to hope so.

Why I Have to Write

Aren’t words and concepts the antithesis of enlightenment? In an essay published in the March 2007 issue of Shambhala Sun, Norman wonders why he is compelled to write, and concludes that all language is a form of prayer.

SHAMBHALA SUN MARCH 2007 23

Though I know writing is a bad habit for a Zen priest, I can't help it. I seem to be writing all the time. I write poems of several varieties in several voices, journal entries, dharma talks, essays, books, notes, lists, stories, e-mails, blogs. In doing all this, I have no special purpose I can discern or explain. Though I hope it does somebody some good, I am not at all sure. It may even do some harm. More likely, it may just be a waste of time. What am I doing when I write? I am not documenting my life for my friends or posterity, nor am I telling anybody something they don't already know or need to hear from me. Why go on? I am compelled to, delighted to. There seems to be something crucial about working with language, something that wakes me up or brings a quality of density or significance to my life, even though I can't say what that significance is more than that it is a feeling or a texture. Besides, writing is a deep pleasure. And besides that, I have always written, seem to be a writer by temperament and impulse, and what writers do is write; they just can't help themselves.

Maybe I should get over this. Maybe there's an adhesive patch I can put on that will block the neural pathways that lead me down to the arteries of language. But if there were, I wouldn't wear it. Whether writing is good or bad, I affirm it like an athlete affirms her sport, a mother her child, or a believer his religion. I have noticed over the years in my conversations with writers that for a writer, writing is a sort of absolute bottom line. "Are you writing?" If the answer is yes, then no matter what else is going on your life- and all of life-is basically OK . You are who you are supposed to be and your existence makes sense. If the answer is no, then you are not doing well, your relationships and basic well-being are in jeopardy, and the rest of the world is dark and problematic.

Where does this need to splash around in language come from? Is it a disease? I'm not sure, but if so I don't think (William Burroughs notwithstanding) we will find the virus. I suppose the need to write comes from the connection between human consciousness and language-making. Language-making isn't incidental or ornamental to human consciousness; it is its center, its essence. No language, no person. And no language, no concept of life, of death, of sorrow or joy. No relationships, no tools. We are what we tell ourselves we are. Meditation practice brings the mind to a profound quiet that comes very close to the bottom of consciousness, and right there is the wellspring where language bubbles up. So does meditation get us beyond language? Is it true, as the old Zen teachers seem to be saying, that language is our whole human problem, the basic mistake we make, the mechanism of our suffering? Is this why it's such a big no-no to write?

Yes. Language is our big problem. Language ruins us and makes us suffer. Language is certainly my big problem. All my dissatisfactions would instantly disappear if I couldn't identify them or talk about them. But so would I. Without language I'd have no experience, no life in the world. To say that language is the problem is to say that life is the problem: it's true, but what are you going to do about it?

Well, you live. And, if you are a writer, you write. But here's the strange part: you write for the writing, you write alone and in silence, and you don't know if it does anyone any good-yet somehow you need a reader. This shouldn't be the case, but it is. Until there is a reader, some reader, any reader, the writing is incomplete. This is not true, for instance, with meditation practice or, say, with working out. You can run or bike or sit watching the breath without anyone ever witnessing it. It makes no difference whether someone witnesses or not. Because nothing comes of your running or sitting; there's nothing to share. But when you write you produce something that can be shared and somehow must be. You can't write without being read. This doesn't have to do with ambition or desire; it is built into the nature of writing.

I have been thinking about this for a thousand years. In the 1980s I sponsored a symposium in New York called Meditation and Poetry, in which I brought together a number of serious poets who meditated. My idea was to try to discover what these two activities have in common. I remember Jackson MacLow, the great avant-garde poet, saying, "I am chary (I particularly remember his use of this word) about mentioning these two in the same breath. They exist in different worlds. Writing is effective and public; meditation is private." Something like that.

But, one could argue, MacLow's writing was utterly private. He worked with chance operations and cut-up words, so that there was no intention or conventional communication in his work. He was never trying to say or describe anything. Still, he published copiously. Why?

A decade later I was involved in a similar symposium at Stanford. On the panel with me were the poets Leslie Scalapino and Michael McClure, both of whom practice meditation. We were asked by someone in the audience, "Whom do you write for?" and we all answered, in different ways, "No one." I remember that one of the professors in attendance (who, as it happened, was a Zen scholar) took serious issue with this. Writing must always be social, he argued. What we meant was not that we were uninterested in readership-we all publish a fair amount-but that in the act of writing we did not consider who the reader is or what he or she is going to make of what we are writing. We write to someone, but that person is essentially Nobody, without a name or social circumstances-we write for God. The Beyond. The Empty Nature of All Phenomena. Buddha Nature. The Mystery. We speak, and however little or much our words communicate, they touch something Out There. And somehow within the mind and within the words, that Out There is already implied. Don't ask me to explain.

Years ago I went to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and did what all tourists there do: wrote some words on a scrap of paper that I tucked into a crevice in the wall. When I closed my eyes and touched my head to the warm stone, it came to me: "All language is prayer." This must be so. Who is it we are speaking to when we speak to anyone? To that person, and also past him or her to Out There. If there is language, it means there is the possibility of being heard, being met, being loved. And reaching out to be heard, met, or loved is a holy act. Language is holy.

And so, dear reader, know that at this moment of your reading this text in the pages of the Shambhala Sun, you are also touching the Mystery, the Nobody, at the center of your language-charged silence. I, the supposed author, about whom you may have formed some impression entirely of your own making, am not now talking to you. At the moment of your reading, amazingly enough, although I seem to be present, I am elsewhere, doing something else. I am unaware of who you are, and I don't know that you are reading these words now. And yet, at this moment, the moment when I am composing these words-a moment long past for you but immediate to me now-I am as close to myself, and to you, as it is humanly possible to be. _ If there is language, it means there is the possibility of being heard, being met, and being loved.

The Collected Poems of Philip Whalen

Norman reviews his friend Philip Whalen’s collected work.Review:
The Collected Poems of Philip Whalen
Edited by Michael Rothenberg
Foreword by Gary Snyder
Introduction by Leslie Scalapino
Wesleyan University Press, Middletown, CT

By Norman Fischer

As a cultural phenomenon, Western Buddhism has always been highly self conscious. Issues of translation, of religious renewal and decay, have been part of the discussion from the start. Despite this, Western Buddhist practitioners have been curiously uninterested in culture, preferring instead to see the Dharma as a set of scientific procedures that will produce desired impacts on the psyche.

But the fact is, religion is culture, not science.

In this light, I'm especially delighted to have in my hand the new Collected Poems of Philip Whalen, a founding document of Western Buddhist culture. To be sure, I am prejudiced: a working poet myself, I not only knew and admired Philip Whalen, I was his friend, and I have missed him daily since his death in 2002. Still, his importance as a Western Buddhist poetical pioneer is well enough established that I can be forgiven for emphasizing it again now, as this wonderful, thick, beautiful volume appears.

What is an American Buddhist poetry? It's obviously not enough merely to reference Buddhist terms; for the work to reflect, through and through, Buddhist perspectives, they must be deeply imbedded in what's written, as form, as attitude, as structure and substance. As American Buddhist poets go forth with their projects, they will inevitably be building on Philip's work. He was (more than any of the other "Beat" writers, among whom he is always included) a master of form, a bold (if humble and unself-conscious) innovator. His generational American forebears, Pound and Williams, had already broken with conventional English verse, forging a poetry that was hard-edged and inclusive. But they remained magisterial in tone and spirit. It fell to Philip, influenced by his Zen practice, to let that pretence go, writing instead a poetry that was off-handed, present moment oriented, and that could include anything that came along, not because the poet wanted it to, but because it happened to be there. Philip was the first to recognize that poems are not actually "about" anything, and no one is in charge of them. So the poem's scope could be immense, its form spontaneously arisen in the course of writing. I remember first seeing evidence of this in Phil's work in the late 1960's when I was thunderstruck and suddenly liberated from my literary struggles by the elegance of these lines about not being able to write a poem:

Worry walk, no thought appears
One foot follows rug to wood,
Alternate sun and foggy sky
Bulldozer concrete grinder breeze
The windows open again
Begin
a line may
start:
spring open, like seams of a boat high on the hot sand

(from "The Best of It" 1964)

Philip was, famously, a learned man. After the Second World War (in which he served as a radio operator) he returned home to the GI bill and went to Reed College, where he took up reading and writing in earnest, deciding that he'd devote his life to these pursuits, salary or no. He spent the rest of his life living out this promise to himself, relying on the kindness of strangers, until, after stints as a high country lookout in the Cascades, and as an English teacher in Japan, he returned to America to become one of the earliest ordained Western Zen monks.

Despite his erudition, which appears throughout his poems in the form of doodles, puns, speculations, and idle chatter ("Balzac: "brillant et tres fecond… malgre certaines/imprefections de style et la minutie de qualques de-/scriptions….")/ St. Honore preserve us against black coffee/These Japanese knickknacks & from writing ourselves/To death instead of dope, syphilis, the madhouse, jail/Suicide…) Philip was given to deceptively sophisticated recitations of plain American English. Here is the entire text of a poem called "Whistler's Mother," one of my favorites:

Mother and Ed are out in the car
Wait til I put on some clothes
Ed's in a hurry. He hasn't eaten since this morning
Wait til I put on some clothes.
Mother and Ed are out in the car. Do you have any clothes on yet?
Let me come in.
Wait til I get some clothes on
Ed is impatient. He and mother are waiting. Can I come in?
Wait til I put on some clothes.
Mother and Ed are out in the car
Wait til I get into some clothes
Can't I come in? Aren't you dressed yet?
Wait til I put on some clothes
Mother and Ed are out in the car. Can I come in?
Wait til I get on some clothes.

(1963)

No one had ever written anything like this before, not even close. What's Buddhist about it? Well, not to put too fine a point on it (and I wouldn't argue with someone who called it unBuddhist), this poem reflects what's right in front of you, with nothing added, no poetical emotion, no projected meaning, not even a striking image to set it off. True, it sounds nothing like a Japanese or Chinese poem, but then this isn't the Chinese or Japanese tradition, it's the American tradition. It builds on, and takes much further, some of Pound's and Williams' use of Ammurrican slang, as well as Stein's mindless repetition. Its about the immediacy of words themselves, taken, fearlessly, to the nth degree. And it was this powerful insight ("guess what, it turns out that writing is words, how they sound, how the look lying there on the page"), essentially Buddhist in character (there's no self or person, just what arises), that influenced poets of my generation, who built on it, as Whalen had built on his predecessors. (Leslie Scalapino, in her important introduction, writes persuasively of this).

A whole other angle on Philip's immediacy in writing has to do with his calligraphic style, his doodling and drawing, that's integral to the poetry, though seldom reproduced (editor Michael Rothenberg is aware of this, and the present volume gives us a much larger sampling of this material than has been generally available before). At Reed, Philip had studied with the great calligraphy master Lloyd Reynolds, and was early on aware of the tradition of graphic poetry that was always part of the Asian tradition. Over the years Philip worked out an analogue for it in Western calligraphy, and his journals are full of drawings, drawn words, and doodles, sometimes colored and sometimes in black and white. Some have argued that a printed poem by Philip is inevitably a translation of the actual poem, which is, as with Asian poems, an original art work.

Beyond all this brilliant formal innovation, Philip is also the first poet to intimately chronicle American Zen sights and sounds. His Tassajara Monastery poems of the late 1970's are down to earth personal documents of what it is like to live a full-on Buddhist life, and his great long poem "Scenes of Life in the Capitol," takes us into the daily life of Kyoto, with its Buddhist shrines and temple bells.

So any educated Western Buddhist needs to know this book. A life's work between two covers, document of a mind in motion, Buddha Nature as screed, it tells the story of all of us who are trying to find a way to be what and as we are, as Buddhists.

Light(silence)word

A meditation, in poetry and prose, on light, language, and silence in Kabbalistic and Zen literature, focusing on the Zohar and Kabbalistic texts and on Buddhist views of language and Dogen’s linguistic praxis.

Light(silence)word

1.

Light is mysterious. Both a wave and a particle, and therefore neither, light is a universal constant; neither medium nor content, light is strangely all-pervasive. Seeing anything is not so much seeing that thing as seeing the light that falls on it; and it’s not even the light that we see; we see only its afterglow. Light activates eye and consciousness only after it has disappeared, its faded radiance bouncing off objects. Uncanny in these ways, light is in almost all religious traditions associated with the divine, the supernal, with God, with Consciousness; so much so that it seems possible that light actually is consciousness or a form of consciousness, matter a coagulation of light, light’s grosser form. In Heaven, in Nirvana, in Pure Consciousness (or whatever other ethereal realm anyone would conceive of) objects with all their stubborn messiness and grossness fade away and there is only light, sheer luminosity, in its pure state.

The word “Zohar,” title of the great thirteenth century Spanish Jewish mystical text attributed to Moses de Leon, translates as “radiance. ” The Judaic scholar Daniel Matt has for some years now working on the definitive English translation of Zohar (the Pritzker edition, of which four volumes have so far been released by the Stanford University Press). Volume I of the text the text includes an introduction by Rabbi Arthur Green. What follows is my digest of the historical context of the text, as discussed by Green:

Kabbalah, though existent in various disorganized forms probably as early as the 2nd Century CE, remained a secret tradition until the twelfth century in Spain, when Kabbalistic works went public in reaction to the influence of the work of Moses Maimonides, the great Aristotelian physician and rationalist, probably the most influential rabbi in history. The whole of Judaism as it exists now, East and West, bears the Rambam’s (as he was called) stamp. Inspired by Greek philosophy, as mediated through Islamic culture, Maimonides thought of God as an abstruse entity, logically necessary. Like Freud, (though of course, unlike Freud, not an atheist), the Rambam saw ancient Judaism as essentially child-like, and felt that with him Judaism now came to its mature form as a path of religious contemplation and ethics. The purpose of Jewish observance, according to the Rambam, was not to honor or appease God (who, it seemed obvious to him, had no need of this) but to educate, tame, and improve human beings, so that we would be capable of coming into line with the divine plan, which foresaw universal goodness and the final perfection of the world.

The Kabbalists opposed this view so bitterly they felt compelled to go public to attack it. To them, the Rambam’s concept of Judaism as a gradual path of human self improvement trivialized the tradition. In contrast, they saw Jewish daily observance as a desperately urgent mechanism for revolutionizing the cosmic order, which, in its fallen state, was perilously close to endlessly being lost, without possibility of redemption. For them God was not an impersonal philosophically necessary entity; God was intimately, even personally, wrapped up within the world and within human contemplations, actions, and language. Especially Jewish actions and language. So that Jewish religious acts were constantly crucially critical to the fate of the universe. The burden of the Kabbalistic mythology and practice is the mysterious and direct correspondence between the world below and the world above, between human action and the divine plan. Creation had gone terribly awry from the beginning; the divine sparks had broken through their vessels and plunged into the darkness of the world; it was up to Jews to raise the sparks up on behalf of the entire human race and the cosmic order. Where the Rambam and his followers were patiently and wisely hopeful, the Kabbalists were constantly urgently grasping at straws.

In discussing this historical background to the Zohar, Arthur Green writes: “to know God is a necessary condition of proper worship- on this the Kabbalists agree with the philosophers [ie. Rambam and his followers].” Of course the two camps differed radically as to the significance of the phrase “knowing God.” The philosophers understood intellectual contemplation of teaching and creation as the path to knowledge of God; for the Kabbalists knowing God meant mystical union, achieved mainly through language-based ecstatic concentration practices.

The Kabbalists were obsessed with language. They were not interested merely in analysis, contemplation, and interpretation. Study for them was not an intellectual act. Instead, every word of text masked hidden depths that revealed operations crucial to the salvation of the world on a moment to moment basis; and every word was related not only to every other word of text but to everything else throughout the whole of the mundane and supernal realms. Things of the world were, in their essence also “words” (in Hebrew devar means both word and thing), because God had after all, in the most hidden of all parts of the bible, Bereshit (“In the beginning” the Jewish name for Genesis, and the main subject of the Zohar) created the physical universe exactly by uttering words. What was the nature of God-speech, God-word? And how did it relate to human speech, in which it lay hidden?

The Torah, it was said, was written in light. Every letter was light. And within this light all mysteries were contained. The book was the world, the world was the book. To those who then and now complain that the Torah is a primitive text, full of the violence and vindictiveness of a terrified people and a terrible God, the Kabbalists had little to say; they knew otherwise, but how could one explain, for without faith, spiritual practice, and intimate knowledge, what could be understood? They knew that certainly the Torah was not saying only what it seemed to be saying, what the black letters on white seemed to indicate, it was saying that and everything else, in multifaceted, ineffable ways. The words, the letters, were fire; the page was burning. (In an essay on Buber’s vision of Chasidism, Kenneth Rexroth, who felt that the Bible was the most destructive text ever written, said that the Chasidim had managed to read the Bible in such a way that it said exactly the opposite of what it actually did say; Rexroth was seemingly both right and wrong about this). Behind every letter of the text, every infinite pinpoint of light, lay universe upon universe.

Long before the Kabbalists the rabbis of the Talmud saw the profundity of the biblical text, which they had fashioned into a substitute for the cult of the now-destroyed Temple. Judaism has for centuries been a cult of ritual action; it was now a cult of the book, into which all the mysterious efficacy of ritual action had disappeared. The Talmudists saw that the book therefore could not be merely what it seemed to be. Words could not merely be words. Each was subject to infinite interpretation, and there were infinite approaches to interpretation. Within these infinite approaches, the tradition delineated four: Peshat, the plain meaning, what the text seemed to be saying in the surface; Remes, the level of linguistic correspondence and textual operation through which completely unexpected meanings could be derived; Drash, the vast literature of legends and stories that purported to tell incidents and details (many quite anachronistic and clearly manufactured to suit situations long lost to history) that had been left out of the highly elliptical original text; and Sod, the level of mystical vision, trance, dreams, visitations etc. (There are various interpretations and glosses on these four levels; the foregoing is my own, based on reading in various sources). Together the four (PRDS) spell the Hebrew pardes, garden, or Paradise.

Pardes

The trees bear fruit, the book
Binds
Like water brimming in the pitcher’s
Poured out steady till no drop’s left
By a firm hand, an outstretched arm,
The book bears them on through the storm
Tree tops twisting, stripped debris shattered
In the violent nights
Though the fruit’s sweet lingers on the tongue
Like melody –
That’s the plain meaning

Beyond that and embedded in it
Like seeds in a winter earth
(Officially only a thin layer
Atop a hard dark mystery below
Exactly as deep as the plow turns)
The meaning-fingers splayed forth
Like hairy roots laterally
Entangling other letters, heterodox tales, bits and strands

(The third level now)
Of lives, songs, opinions, certainties
Wild stories, rewordings, revisions
Attempts to harmonize or humanize
Upheaval, sickness, fierce mistaken force
The worm in the infinite, how sky
Reflects the turmoil of the sea
The soul’s own sequential poisoning
In its reversing desire to crawl out
Of its own skin, like the famous snake
That spoke for it in the orchard
That had no hands to touch with, to grasp

Then the inner turning
The quiet of snow falling on rock and twig
With a hush beyond speculation and thinking
A meaning pressed only into breathing
Or illuminated by the speechless waters
That suck underground
Into the capillary rootlets opening beneath the feet
In the winding uncharted journey of footsteps
From one point of darkness to the next

The Zohar is a Kabbalistic commentary on torah but also a fiction, a novel, the adventures of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, a second century rabbi from the Galilee, and his small band of disciples who offer the commentary in discussions that take place as they wander around the Holy Land meeting various people. They usually discuss sitting outdoors by a brook or in a garden. A feature of the text is their constant delight in one another and in the various interpretations that they espouse. Almost certainly there was in thirteenth century Spain a similar group of disciples surrounding Moses de Leon. A key theme of the Zohar is light, light and darkness: the disciples arose for study at midnight, a thin thread of light going out into the world emanating from their words and feelings. A “thread-thin ray of love” (Matt) that reverberates seven centuries later in Paul Celan’s holocaust-inflected “thread-suns,” thin light rays of hope, that leak out of books and words even still.

The symbolic edifice of Kabbalism is prodigious and esoteric and I don’t know enough about it to say much here. Suffice it to say that the system references the stage by stage emanations from Ayn Sof, the beyond beyond the beyond, into this world below through many supernal stages, the descent of the ineffable through light that illuminates this world: physical light, but also the light of human divinity and human goodness which is a reflection of the divine. Ayn Sof (which means “without end”) is beyond light and dark, it is endless formless unknowable indefinable, beyond being and nonbeing. Yet within Ayn Sof, for no reason, there occurs an impulse toward light. This impulse creates an energy that leads to the first of the ten Sphirot (emanations) which is Keter, “crown,” “circle,” or Ayin, “nothing” (Ayn Sof being more nothing than nothing): a point of light that is completely surrounded by darkness, and this long before the world, even before what we call God (also an emanation of Ayn Sof) had come to be; a point of light that is, essentially, hidden. This becomes a key Kabbalistic theme, concealment, hiddenness. It led to theologies like those of the Marranos (Spanish secret Jews) and the Sabbatians (followers of the seventeenth Century “false messiah” who converted to Islam): to be a Jew concealed in the world is to manifest and imitate the concealed divine light. So that outward conversion to Islam or Christianity, while inwardly remaining Jewish, came to be viewed as the highest and mostly God-like of all paths!

In all this we can see germs of nearly all of avant-garde writing’s chief themes: revolt against the polite, rational, Aristotelian order of things; focus on language not as conduit of communication but as infinitely suggestible medium that writes the world; concealment, hiddeness, obscurity, exile; intertextuality; resistance to closure and the univocal interpreting self. The world is hidden within language, words conceal rather then reveal meaning, meaning as meaning being essentially concealed, the not said contained in the said, the written writing the unwritten etc.

2.

The word zen is a Japanese transliteration of the Sanskrit word dhyana which means meditative absorption. The Zen schools of Buddhism emphasize meditative absorption above all else. A cursory, or even a deeper, look at Zen literature and practice will surely suggest that language per se is not only irrelevant to Zen but that Zen is dismissive of, if not hostile to, language. A common early Chinese phrase to indicate the essential and unique position of Zen is usually translated “beyond words and letters.” Language in Zen is “a finger pointing at the moon.” In Zen it’s silence, not language’s constant noise-making, that gets to the heart of reality.

The most famous discussion of silence in Zen literature centers on a koan that is actually a quotation from the Vimalakirti Nirdesa sutra:

Vimalakirti asked Manjushri, “What is the bodhisattva’s method of entering non duality?
Manjushri said, “According to my mind, in all things, no speech, no explanation, no direction, and no representation, leaving behind all questions and answers – this is the method of entering nonduality.”
Then Manjushri asked Vimalakirti, “We have all spoken. Now you should say, good man, what is a bodhisattva’s method of entry into nonduality?”
Vimalakirti was silent.

Manjushri’s explanation that explanation, speech, representation are all to be let go of apparently doesn’t go far enough, for he is still talking. Vimalakirti goes one him one better by saying absolutely nothing. In Zen, Vimalakirti’s silence is referred to as “thunderous,” and there is much discussion about its nature. Though the word silence might suggest a singular experience, in fact there are many possible silences: passive silence, silence of withdrawal, angry silence, confused silence, enigmatic silence, manipulative silence. My silence is not the same as yours. Vimalakirti’s thunderous silence is taken as an ultimate sort of silence, a silence which expresses, without expression, the highest, most complete, most inclusive, form of truth, beyond which there is no other.

The Jewish tradition, so wordy in all ways, also has a teaching about such an all inclusive silence. When God gave the ten commandments on Mount Sinai the scene was, as depicted in the bible, noisy and dramatic: the smoking blazing mountain, the terrifying presence, the deafening noise, thunder, horns blaring, and so on. But the rabbis of the Talmud explained that this deafening noise was actually a total and utter silence. They said that at the exact center of the noise was the most silent moment that had ever existed on earth: not even an animal stirred; there was no wind, and, most amazing of all, there was no human speech commenting on the silence.

Lest we frustrate ourselves in an effort to hear such a silence (are “silence” and “hearing” even compatible?) it will be good to remember two things: first, as John Cage famously discovered, it is impossible for a living human being to experience silence (there will always be, at least, the sounds of the breath and heartbeat); and second, that Vimalakirti’s silence is a “non-dualistic” silence, which is to say that it is not a silence opposed to noise, but, like the silence of the Talmudic vision of Sinai, a silence which defines not a particular object of listening (or absence of object) but instead points to something essential within any listening. It is a silence therefore which is not opposed to, or defined as different from, sound, and therefore language. It is the silence within rather than outside words and phrases. Like the vast spaces inside of atoms, without which what we call the “solid” world could not exist, silence makes words possible.

In fact the notion that language is in this sense beyond language (ie. that it contains at its heart, of necessity, silence) is one of the chief insights and practice pathways of Zen. What is Zen koan practice, after all. if not the practice of discerning the silence within phrases; meditating, that is, not “beyond” phrases, but within and through them to meanings unrestricted by the apparent linguistic limitations of the words.

I think of koan practice as the practice of phrases. It is, on the one hand, the special province of the Zen school of Buddhism that has systematized it, and, on the other, a commonplace practice in all religions where scripture reading is conceived of as a meditative rather than an emotional or knowledge-based activity, and among poets and literary people who are attuned to the intuitive echoic possibilities of language. The practice of phrases consists of living with, being immersed in, meditating on, phrases, until they become large and strange and reveal themselves to us, which is to say, that through them we are revealed to ourselves. By phrases I mean literally phrases, words with meanings that are identifiable, explainable, conceptual; but phrases also indicates the silence, the larger, ineffable space, that we will find in the middle of and surrounding any word and concept if we contemplate it long and deeply enough. Zen meditation (zazen) can be a method for this. It involves breathing with phrases, inquiring of them, taking them beyond conventional styles of understanding. So that instead of trying to gain mastery over the phrase by interpreting or explaining it, the practitioners feels the phrase deeply, both with and beyond conceptual apparatus.

In Zen there are various traditions and methodologies for working with phrases, some more organized than others. In the contemporary Zen practiced in the West there are several koan traditions, all influenced by the Japanese Rinzai school. These traditions are very well organized, with koan curricula, and proscribed ways of responding to koans in a fairly regimented format. In the Soto Zen that I practice, working with phrases is fuzzy and somewhat disorganized. There is no curriculum and no particular format. Soto Zen also includes a wordless method of working with phrases. This is Zen mindfulness, which is not mindfulness of something, but mindfulness of the silence, spaciousness, or emptiness that is always at the heart of experience (a key point is the insight that language/silence and experience/emptiness are equivalents; experience is a form of language; language is a form of experience). This is practiced using the breath or whatever is in front of you (a person, a task, a physical object) as the phrase, the koan. Life becomes the phrase, not in the abstract, but as it appears uniquely, wherever and whenever you are. You pay close attention to it, avoid pegging it down to an explanation or an evaluation, and you wait with intense inquiry to see what will be revealed. The idea is, the hope is, that everything will illuminate you, everything will open you up, everything will surprise you. Although of course in real practice this doesn’t always happen, it is a direction, an aspiration. It doesn’t matter how it turns out. The main thing is to keep up a continuity of practice. It doesn’t make much difference whether you are practicing with whatever’s in front of you, or whether you are using a literal phrase, like “who is this?” or “what is love?” that may have arisen from the issues of your life; or whether you are using a classical Zen phrase. The more you contemplate the phrase, and maintain your contemplation of it through your activity the more your practice can be continuous and the more will be revealed.

All this is to say that what at first may seem in Zen to be a bias against language in favor of “silence,” or, in any case, activities (like meditation) that do not seem to be language-based, is in fact a view of language, a practice of language.

Nowhere is this more clear than in the writings of thirteenth century Zen Master Dogen, much appreciated these days by Western philosophers concerned with language. “The single most original and seminal aspect of Dogen’s Zen is his treatment of the role of language in Zen soteriology. We moderns may pride ourselves on our acute language consciousness in the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, but Dogen was no less aware. He is similar to us in this regard…” (Hee Jin Kim, Dogen on Meditation and Thinking, a Reflection on His View of Zen, State U. of New York, 2006, p 59.) Dogen was the rare Zen Master who was as much a literary practitioner as he was a religious figure, and his text Shobogenzo (Treasury of the True Dharma Eye), a multi-volume work, is considered a key text in Japanese literary, as well as religious, history. In his writings, Dogen constantly excoriates those Zen adepts who are critical of language, pointing to “silence” or other extra-linguistic positions, as Zen’s goal. Over and over, Dogen expresses his dissatisfaction with this essentially unsophisticated, dualistically unnuanced, and, in his view, religiously destructive, understanding. Like other Zen thinkers, Dogen saw language as the prison from which we seek freedom. But unlike them, he saw that the way out of this prison (from which there is no escape) is to be found within the prison itself. In other words, language’s hold on us can be loosed only by language itself. For Dogen human beings must live within language, which is, as Heidegger put it, our “house of being,” the constituent of essential humanness. The way out of the house is the full occupation of it, with awareness of its nature, so that in the end resistance is transformed into celebration. “The monastics of future generations will be able to understand one-taste Zen (ichimizen) based on words and letters if they devote their efforts to spiritual practice by seeing the universe through words and letters, and words and letters through the universe.” (Kim p 60, quoting Dogen). “How pitiful are they who are unaware that discriminative thought is words and phrases and that words and phrases liberate discriminative thought.” (p 62.)

In his discussion of Dogen’s view of Zen, Kim delineates seven literary techniques with which Dogen endeavors to deconstruct conventional Zen and Buddhist language, so as to turn restrictive pious understandings inside-out. Like the Chasidic masters, who make liberal use of linguistic slights of hands (reference to word-roots; gematria), Dogen employs strikingly post-modern operations to produce texts so dense that they are from time to time incomprehensible. The seven techniques are 1) transposition of lexical components (an almost mathematical mechanical shifting of words or phrases in repetitive sentences, so that all possible, if sometimes apparently nonsensical, syntactic combinations are played out); 2) semantic reconstruction through syntactic change (often making use of the differences in grammar between Chinese – into which Buddhist texts that Dogen read had been translated – and the Japanese in which he was writing, to yield unique meanings); 3) explication of semantic attributes (making often punning or counter-indicated use of the multiple meanings possible within Chinese ideographs); 4) reflexive, self-causative utterances (in which statements and their opposites are identified, or the bald assertion of non-sequitors upon which arguments are based), 5) upgrading commonplace notions and using neglected metaphors (using obsolete meanings buried in contemporary words, leaning on ordinary expressions to yield surprising correspondences, emphasizing commonplace throw-away words); 6) use of homophonous expressions (not unlike Zukovsky’s Catullus); 7) reinterpretation based on the principle of non duality (in which clearly dualistic statements in the tradition are interpreted as though they were not dualistic). Through these are other methods Dogen relentlessly deconstructs the Zen and Buddhist traditions – as he believed they had been meant to be deconstructed – for the purpose of restoring to language and ordinary everyday reality the potential, dignity, and sense of wonder he believed they deserved. Dogen’s project as a writer and religious teacher was to work against the perennial distinction religion (and language) inevitably wants to make between “holiness” and “the everyday.” He believed this erroneous distinction to be the root of all human anguish.

“Language thinking and reason constitute the key to both zazen and koan study within Dogen’s praxis-oriented Zen. The koan’s and zazen’s function is not to excoriate and abandon the intellect and its words and letters, but rather to liberate and restore them in the Zen enterprise. In short, enlightenment is not brought about by direct intuition (or transcendent wisdom) supplanting the intellect and its tools, but in and through their collaboration and corroboration in search of the expressible in deeds, words, and thoughts for a given situation (religious and secular.)” (Kim p 78.)

3.

Where does all this leave language’s capacity to describe reality? And where does it leave the possibility of a soteriologically efficacious understanding? That is, recognizing the silence of words, are we left speechless? And recognizing the impossibility of going beyond words, are we doomed to mouth them to our continued distress and confusion?
In a world in which we are all “dim-sighted” (Dogen’s phrase) nothing could be more dim-sighted than to assert that one is not dim-sighted; and such an assertion could be none other than a projection of the very dim-sightedness itself. The way out of this trap would be to make use of the dim-sightedness (language, human perception) to see the nature of the very dim-sightedness, and in doing so, to proceed, with full appreciation of the process of becoming human – which always involves the practice of language.

It has often been remarked, and written about (I myself have written about it) that Jews frequently find themselves practicing in Buddhist centers, and that Buddhist centers are disproportionately Jewish. The foregoing understandings of language, light, and silence might provide a clue: that Jews (or at least some subset of Jews) have been spiritually and culturally immersed in language in a particular key: language whose tonalities bear the ineffable senses of light, of silence, of depth. Most modern Jews, long removed from traditional Jewish educational systems, can only dimly hear these tonalities, though they have become present, and perhaps have come out most strongly, in post modern literary expressions, which, as we have seen, seem to be so basically Jewish in character. But for the average Jewish person, the tradition’s riches are, so to speak, a closed book; deep and personal familiarity with Jewish texts and the sensibilities behind them have long been lost; and in any case it is likely that there never has been a deeply satisfying way of Jewish life and learning that was not inherently incompatible with modern cultural life, which is to say with a Judaism that was not of necessity cut off from the dominant culture in which it found itself. It is an odd historical fact that Buddhist meditation practice, appearing as it does in the West all but divorced from its Asian cultural contexts, and therefore to some extent a tabula rasa, to be filled in with whatever soul-stirrings that may be vaguely felt by those who access it, carries echoes of those ancient Jewish tonalities, so that the essentially Jewish linguistic moves can be activated within the “silence.”

Silence is no weakness of language.
It is, on the contrary, its strength.
It is the weakness of words not to know this.

(Edmond Jabes, Book of Shares, p 31)

The Raw Spot

Norman gives a talk on The Raw Spot.

The Raw Spot

 

One day in January, feeling expansive and cheerfully open to being interrupted, I picked up the ringing telephone in my study. Sherril was on the line. “Alan just died in Baltimore,” she said. “Can you to come over right now?”

Alan is Sherril’s husband and my closest friend. We’d known each other forty years, since our days as students at the University of Iowa Writers Workshop, through years of Zen practice, through Alan’s becoming a rabbi and my ordaining as a Zen priest, and our establishing a Jewish meditation center together, through retreats, teaching sessions, workshops, marriages, divorces, children, grandchildren. We had shared so much for so long that we took each other’s presence in the world as basic.

I got in the car and drove to San Francisco in a daze – a daze I may never recover from.

The sudden loss of someone or something you take as much for granted as the air you breathe is not easy to digest. At first you don’t know how to think about it. You are bewildered. What just happened? I had co-led a retreat with Alan earlier in the month, and we’d parted company for the last time just eight days before he died while walking on a country lane one bright morning. He had been so completely present at that retreat, as always, and now he was – or so they told me – just as completely absent. What to make of this?

Of course I could say – and have often said – many things about such losses. Alan and I had frequently taught together about death and dying and loss and grief, it was a subject both of us had been concerned with most of our lives, as all religious people are. The Buddhist teachings on death and dying are very familiar to me, as are the many associated practices and reflections. It’s not that such practices and thoughts were not with me during the days and weeks after Alan’s death; they certainly were, and they made my experience of loss much more solid – and much more poignant. But I had always known that these teachings do not explain anything or fix anything or armor you against pain. They only clear the ground for what there is to be felt at the time of a loss: they help you to feel what I felt: the supreme oddness, sorrow, and joy of our lives. We are here. We are gone. All dharmas are empty of own being, there is no coming no going, no increase no decrease, no birth, no death, no suffering, no end of suffering. So the Heart sutra says. The Diamond sutra says that all conditioned things are to be viewed as dreams, flashes of lightening, bubbles, dew drops, magic shows. Still, tears come. There’s no contradiction.

In the days and weeks after Alan’s death I spent a great deal of time with Sherril and their children and with Alan’s siblings, who’d come from the East for the funeral. Alan had been the rabbi of a large congregation in San Francisco, and had been connected to many other meditation and social action communities, so there was an outpouring of love and support from many people. I received cards and emails from all over the world. And I was really grateful that I could cry with others when I felt like crying, and could feel so much love for so many people who also loved Alan. Loss does that: it wounds the heart, causing it to fall open, and love rushes into and out of the opening, love that was probably there all along, but you didn’t notice it because you were too busy with other important things, to feel it.

In one of our last conversations, Alan shared with me an odd and funny teaching about death. He had a sense of humor, and his spiritual teachings were often odd and funny, sometimes even ridiculous, which made their profundity all the more pungent. This teaching involved his fountain pen collection, which was extensive, and worth a lot of money. He had sold several thousand dollars worth of pens to a man he’d contacted online. Before payment was mailed, the man, some years younger than Alan, suddenly died. Since there was no good record of the transaction, the attorney who was handling the estate for the widow said he would not pay. Alan could have hired his own attorney to recover the money, but it wasn’t worth the trouble and expense, so he ate the loss. “But I didn’t mind,” he said, “because I learned something that I should have known and thought I knew but actually I didn’t know: when you’re dead you can’t do anything.” He told me this with great earnestness. As if it had actually never occurred to him before that when you’re dead you can’t do anything anymore.

In a memorial retreat we held a few days after Alan’s death, a retreat full of love and sorrow, I repeated this story. I said that since Alan was now dead and couldn’t do anything we would now have to do something because we were still alive. What that something was, I didn’t know. I only knew that somehow, in the face of a great loss, one does something different than one would otherwise have done.

So this is what I learned (with Alan’s help) about the meaning of loss: that love rushes into the absence that is loss, and that that love brings inspired action. If we are able to give ourselves to the loss, to move toward it rather than away in an effort to escape or deny or distract or obscure, our wounded hearts become full, and out of that fullness we will do things differently and we will do different things.

The Tibetan Buddhist Master Chogyam Trungpa talks about a soft spot, a raw spot, a wounded spot on the body or in the heart. A spot that is painful and sore. We hate such spots so we try to prevent them. And if can’t prevent them we try to cover them up, so we won’t absent-mindedly rub them or pour hot or cold water on them. A sore spot is no fun. Yet it is valuable. Trungpa calls the sore spot embryonic compassion, potential compassion. (Training the Mind, p16) Our loss, our wound, is precious to us because it can wake us up to love, and to loving action.

**

Our first response to loss, difficulty, or pain is not to want to surrender to what has happened to us, it seems so negative, so wrong, and we don’t want to give in to it. Yet we can’t help thinking and feeling differently, and it is the thinking and the feeling, so unpleasant and painful, that is the real cause of our suffering. These days many of us are experiencing troubled thinking and feeling because times are tough. So many are losing jobs, savings, homes, expectations. And if we are not losing these things ourselves we are receiving at close range the suffering of others who are losing them, and we are reading about all this in the media, which daily depict the effects of economic anxiety all over the world. We are all breathing in the atmosphere of fear and loss.

When sudden loss or trouble like this occurs we feel shock and bewilderment, as I did when Alan died. We wonder, what just happened? For so long we expected things to be as they have been, had taken this as much for granted as the air we breathe, and suddenly it is not so. Maybe tomorrow we will wake up to discover it was all just a temporary mistake, and that things are back to normal. (After Alan’s death I had some dreams that he hadn’t actually died, that it had all been some sort of correctable slip-up). After the shock passes fear and despair arrive. We are anxious about our uncertain future, over which we have so little control. It is easy to fall into the paralysis of despair, caroming back to our childish default position of feeling completely vulnerable and unprepared in a harsh and hostile world. This fearful feeling of self-diminishment may darken our view to such an extent that we find ourselves wondering whether we are worthwhile people, whether we are capable of surviving in this tough world, whether we deserve to survive, whether our lives matter, whether there is any point in trying to do anything at all.

This is what it feels like when the raw spot is rubbed. The sense of loss, the despair, the fear, is terrible and we hate it, but it is exactly what we need. It is the embryo of compassion stirring to be born. Birth is painful.

All too many people in times like these just don’t have the heart to do spiritual practice. But these are the best times for practice, because motivation is so clear: practice is not to be an option or a refinement; there is no choice, it is a matter of survival. The tremendous benefit of simple meditation practice is most salient in these moments. Having exhausted all avenues of activity that might change your outward circumstances, and given up on other means of finding inner relief for your raging or sinking mind, there is nothing better to do than to sit down on your chair or cushion and just be present with your situation. There you sit, feeling your body. You try to sit up straight, with some basic human dignity. You notice you are breathing. You also notice that troubling thoughts and feelings are present in the mind. You are not here to make them go away or to cover them up with pleasant and encouraging spiritual slogans. There they are, all your demons, your repetitive negative themes. Your mind is (to borrow a phrase from the poet Michael Palmer) a museum of negativity. And you are sitting there quietly breathing inside that museum. There is nothing else to do. You can’t fix anything – the situation is beyond that. Gradually it dawns on you that these dark thoughts and anxious feelings are just that – thinking, feeling. They are exhibits in the museum of negativity, but not necessarily realities of the outside world. This simple insight – that thoughts and feelings are thoughts and feelings – is slight, but it makes all the difference. You continue to sit, continue to pay attention to body and breath, and you label everything else, “thinking, thinking; feeling, feeling.” Eventually you are able to pick up your coat from the coat-check, and walk out of the museum into the sunlight.

Confronting, accepting, being with negative thinking and feeling, knowing that they are not the whole of reality and not you, is the most fruitful and beneficial of all spiritual practices – better even than experiencing bliss or Oneness. You can practice it in on the meditation cushion in the simple way I have described, but you can also practice it in other ways. Journaling practice can be a big help. Keep a small notebook handy during the day and jot down an arresting word or phrase when you read or hear one. From time to time look at these words or phrases (they need not be uplifting or even sensible, they can be quite odd or random) and select the ones that attract you. These become your list of journaling prompts. When you have time, sit down with your notebook (doing this in a disciplined way, at a certain time each day, is best), choose a prompt, and write rapidly and spontaneously for ten to fifteen minutes, pen never leaving the paper, whatever comes to mind, no matter how nonsensical or irrelevant it may seem. In this way you empty out your swirling mind. You curate your own exhibition of negativity. It can be quite entertaining and even instructive.

Another way to reorient yourself with your thoughts and feelings is to share them with others. If you are feeling fear or despair these days you can be sure that you are not alone in this. No doubt many of your friends and family members are feeling this as well. Rather then ignoring your anxieties (which tends to proliferate like mushrooms in the dark room of your closeted mind) or complaining obsessively about them to everyone you meet, which also increases the misery, you can undertake the spiritual discipline of speaking to others. Taking a topic or a prompt from your notebook, or cueing off something you’ve read or written, or simply distilling what you have been thinking or feeling into a coherent thought, you can speak to one or more people in a structured way. Bring a few friends together. Divide yourself into groups of three or four. After five minutes of silence to collect your thoughts, have each person speak as spontaneously as possible for five to seven minutes by the clock on the chosen topic. The others just listen, no questions, no comments. If it seems useful, one person can give feedback to the speaker. Not advice (it is a much better practice if advice and commentary is entirely outlawed) but simply reviewing for the speaker, in your own words, what you have heard him or her say. Listening to what you have said repeated back to you in another’s voice can be extremely illuminating. And forgetting about your own trouble long enough to actually listen to another is a great relief. It is likely to cause you to feel sympathy, even love. There is no better medicine than thinking of others, even if for only five minutes.

Working with these practices you’ll get a grip on the kinds of thinking and feeling that arise when conditions are difficult. The goal is not to make the thoughts and feelings go away: when there is loss or trouble it is normal to feel sorrow, fear, despair, confusion, discouragement, and so on. These feelings connect us to others, who feel them as we do, so we don’t want to eliminate them. But it would be good to have some perspective – and occasional relief – so these thoughts don’t get the best of us and become full blown demons pushing us around.

But back now to the basic meditation practice: when you sit, noticing the breath and the body on the chair or cushion, noticing the thoughts and feelings in the mind and heart and perhaps also the sounds in the room and the stillness, something else also begins to come into view. You notice the most fundamental of all facts of life: you are alive. You are a living, breathing, embodied, human being. You can actually feel this – feel the feeling of being alive. You can rest in this basic feeling, the nature of life, of consciousness, the underlying basis of everything you will ever experience – even the negativity. Sitting there with this basic feeling of being alive, you will feel gratitude. After all, you didn’t ask for this, you didn’t earn it. It is just there, a gift to you. It won’t last forever, but for now, in this moment, here it is, perfect, complete, and you are sharing it with everything else that exists in this stark, basic, and beautiful way. Whatever your problems and challenges you are, you exist, in this bright world with others, with trees, sky, water, stars, sun and moon. If you sit there long enough and regularly enough you will feel this, even in your darkest moments.

And based on this experience, you will reflect differently on your life. What is really important? How much do our expectations and social constructs really matter? What really counts, what is the bottom line for a human life? To be alive. Well you are alive. To love others and be loved by others. Well you do love, and it is within your power to love more deeply, and if you do it is guaranteed that others will respond to you with more love. To be kind to others and to receive kindness is also within your power, regardless of expectations, losses, circumstances. You need to eat every day, it is true, you need a good place to sleep at night, you need some sort of work to do, but probably you have these things, and if you do you can offer them to others. Once you overcome the sting and virulence of your naturally arising negativity, and return to the feeling of being alive, you will think more clearly about what matters more and what matters less about your life, and will see that regardless of your conditions you can participate in what matters most. You will see that in the big picture of things you have what you need and there is plenty to be grateful for – and plenty to do based on this gratitude. You may not have as many impressive appointments to keep as you did when you were busy with your high powered job. But you have more time to keep up with friends and family – to call and say hello, how did your day go, happy birthday, happy anniversary, happy holiday, and oh yes, I love you and am glad you are in my life. You may not be able to afford the fancy gourmet meal or the person who comes in to clean the house, but you can prepare with great care some steamed greens with olive oil and lemon and find someone you love to eat it with, and clean up the house yourself, noticing, maybe for the first time, how good the workmanship is on this dining room chair as you dust and polish its legs. Living more slowly and simply – although this is not what you wanted or expected – may not turn out to be so bad after all.

My own personal reference point for material happiness is a memory I have of my days in Tassajara Zen monastery, where I lived for five years in my youth. Tassajara is in a narrow mountain canyon which can get pretty cold in the winter months, when very little sun get in. Our rooms in those days were unheated, so the cold really mattered. I remember winter mornings standing at a certain spot in the center of the compound, where the first rays of the day’s warm sunlight would come. So far, no material luxury I have encountered surpasses this, and I feel it again every time I feel the sun’s warmth.

**

Hard times are painful and no rational person would ever think to intentionally bring them on. Quite the contrary, ordinary human day to day life is mostly about trying to avoid the financial, health, romantic, and psychological disasters that seem to be lurking around every corner. So we do not valorize or seek out what is hard or unpleasant. Yet disasters are inevitable in a human lifetime, and it is very impractical not to welcome them when they come. Hard times remind us of what’s important, what’s basic, beautiful, and worthwhile about being alive. The worst of times bring out the best in us. Abundance and an excess of success and good fortune inevitably bring complications and elaborations that fill our lives with more discrimination and choice. We like this, and seek it, but the truth is it reduces joy. We are less appreciative of what we have. Our critical capacities grow very acute, and we are always somewhat skeptical of whatever excellence we are currently enjoying, ready to reject it in a moment, as soon as something we recognize as superior comes along, whether it is a new phone or a new spouse. When there’s less, there’s more appreciation, more openness to wonder and joy, more capacity to soften critical judgment and simply celebrate what happens to be there, even if it is not the best – even if it is not so good. It is and there’s a virtue merely in that. The sun in the morning and the moon at night. I remember my good friend Gil, like Alan also gone now, who went to India to save the miserable poverty-stricken villagers by offering them the expert eye care he had been so well trained to deliver. He was shocked to gradually realize that these poor ignorant villagers were happier and wiser than he and his well educated friends in San Francisco. This is when Gil began his spiritual practice.

In retrospect we can see that the last fifty years or so of ever-increasing prosperity and opportunity has been based on an enthusiastic, exuberant, and naive lust for material goods (as if the goods themselves, and not our satisfaction in them, were the source of our happiness) that so raised the bar on what we expect to possess – the houses, cars, vacations, gadgets, information – that we have lost all sense of proportion and have forgotten almost entirely how our ancestors lived and how most of the world still lives. The various economic bubbles that were produced by that exuberance have proved to be much shakier than they had seemed when we were in the midst of them. Most experts on the economy predict a slow period of a year or more, to be followed, inevitably, by a return to the upward-reaching growth economy we have come to feel is as reliable as a law of nature. But suppose they are not correct. Suppose we are reaching limits on a limited planet, and that we are in for a very long period of reduced circumstances. What if in the future we won’t have top-notch medical care, high performance cars, automatic houses and abundant energy. Such an eventuality might cause such a crisis of despair due to dashed expectations that it might usher in a terrible period of the sort of distopian nightmares we’ve seen in movies or novels, chaos and violence everywhere. Or the opposite – more happiness, more sharing, more wisdom, bigger hearts. More people growing gardens, cooking food, working on farms, taking care of others. A slower, more heart-felt and realistic style of life, and dying at home surrounded by friends and spiritual supporters rather than in high-tech hospitals hooked into alienating machines run by busy professionals. Probably this won’t be the case; probably the economists are right that things will return to what we have come to call normal after a while, maybe only a year or two. But even so, it would be a healthy exercise to visualize and celebrate this simpler, sparer life – and maybe even to live it.

 

Sailing Home – YouTube

Norman was invited to give a talk on his book, Sailing Home, as part of the authors@google series. Watch Norman's lecture at the Googleplex:

The Art of Letting Go

“Losing. Letting Go. It’s interesting right? The difference in nuance? Actually, I thought it was kind of funny. ‘Losing’ does sound awfully negative, and even as Buddhists, we don’t want to be losers, right?”

"The Art of Losing" > "The Art of Letting Go"

When I was asked to provide a title for this talk, I proposed
calling it "The Art of Losing: On Writing, Dying, and Mom," which
refers to a line from a beautiful poem by Elizabeth Bishop, called "One
Art."

I have to admit, I was kind of proud of my title. I thought it was .
. . you know . . . subtle and deep and kind of enigmatic. Not too
flashy.

And "One Art" is a favorite poem of mine, so I thought I could start
the talk by reading that poem to you, because, as a writer who is also
Buddhist, and a woman, and a student of Norman Fischer's, I think it's
nice to start a talk by paying tribute to my women ancestors.

But, then the Zen Hospice folks came back to me with a counter-proposal for the title: "The Art of Letting Go."

Losing. Letting Go. It's interesting right? The difference in
nuance? Actually, I thought it was kind of funny. "Losing" does sound
awfully negative, and even as Buddhists, we don't want to be losers,
right?

And certainly no one here should feel like a loser tonight. On the
contrary. This dinner is a tribute, a way of saying thank you to all
the people who, through their generous gifts, make the work of the Zen
Hospice Project possible. This kind of giving is certainly not about
losing.

It is, on the other hand, all about (amply, generously, and joyously) letting go.

So the Hospice folks knew better, and I agreed. But, I still think
it would be nice to share Elizabeth Bishop's poem with you, because
when I came across it again in a new volume of her poetry that's been
posthumously published, I was again so moved by it, and it also
directly pertains to the topic at hand.

So here it is. . . One Art, by Elizabeth Bishop.

ONE ART
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster. 
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master. 
Then practice losing farther, losing faster;
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster. 
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master. 
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. 
--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster. 
Buddhism

Norman Fischer, who, like Elizabeth Bishop, is a poet, is also fond
of noting that the world is a disaster. Of course, he tempers this by
pointing out that the world is simultaneously magnificent.

I bring up Norman because he's the one responsible for me being here
today. I've been studying with him for a while now, and since this is
the Zen Hospice Project dinner, I wanted to tell you about my
introduction to Zen, since it ties into writing, dying and to my Mom,
and also because it's kind of funny.

My very first memory as a little human being was of my grandparents
sitting zazen. I was very little, maybe three years old, and my
Japanese grandparents—my Mom's parents—had come to visit us in New
Haven, Connecticut, which is where I grew up. We lived in a small house
with no spare bedroom, so my grandparents were going to sleep in my
parents' room. I remember being very excited about these two strange
people in the house. I remember their clothes smelled funny—not bad,
probably like incense, now that I think of it.

That first morning was filled with suspense. My mother was in the
kitchen, cooking, and she sent me to call them for breakfast. I
remember approaching the closed bedroom door with enormous trepidation.
Perhaps I knocked, or maybe I didn't. It was perfectly silent on the
other side. I imagine I must have felt a grave sense of
responsibility—I had been given a duty to discharge, and Asian people,
even very little ones, are nothing if not dutiful. So perhaps it was
this sense of duty that compelled me to turn the knob, and open the
door.

Nothing in my three years of living prepared me for what I saw. My
grandmother and grandfather were sitting on the floor, on either side
of the bed, with their legs crossed, and their eyes half-closed,
rocking gently back and forth.

Now, you have to remember, this was New Haven, Connecticut, in the
1950's. People didn't sit on the floor, cross-legged, with their eyes
half-closed, rocking back and forth. This was not San Francisco.

Seated on the floor like that, they were my height, exactly. We were
at eye level, only their eyes were half shut. Mine, on the other hand,
were wide open. I stood there for a moment, then backed out of the
room, and ran full tilt back into the kitchen, where I told my mother
what I had seen.

And here's the funny part. My mom must have tried to explain to me
that they were meditating, which of course meant nothing to a
three-year-old. So when I didn't understand, she went and got my Daruma
doll. Do you know the Japanese Daruma dolls? Daruma is, of course,
Bodhidharma, the monk who founded the Zen lineage in China. The
Japanese Daruma dolls are these round dolls with no legs or arms, and
big blank white circles where their eyes should be. I remember my doll
looked kind of like a red snowman, and it rocked, and the idea was that
even if you tried to push it over, it would always regain its balance.

So my mom set my Daruma rocking back and forth, and she explained
that this was meditating. Then she said that Daruma was a really,
really good meditator. In fact, he was such a good meditator, and he
had meditated for so long, that his arms and legs had fallen off. And
the reason he had no eyes was that he had gotten sleepy while he was
meditating and so he had cut off his eyelids.

So, this was my introduction to Zen, and thanks to Mom, I developed
an association in my mind between Zen meditation and blindness and
grave bodily disfigurement. For the rest of my grandparents' visit, I
kept fearing I'd walk in and find them, sightless and limbless, rocking
gently back and forth.

Whatever the trauma Mom's explanation might have caused, in time I
got over it. Much later on, when I started sitting zazen myself, Mom
was mystified. She called the posture "squatting on the floor." She
never understood why I would choose to squat on the floor and stare at
a wall for days on end, when I could be reading a good book. She saw me
as the Buddhist equivalent of a Born-Again Christian.

Like many second generation Japanese kids growing up in America, my
mom had been sent to Christian church, while her parents practiced
Buddhism. When WWII broke out, she was separated from her parents, and
became further estranged from her Japanese roots. After the war, my
grandparents moved back to Japan, and my mom stayed in Connecticut, so
by then, she saw her parents very rarely. And when her mother died, at
the age of 93, in an old age home outside of Tokyo, Mom hadn't seen her
for many years.

I remember when she called me in New York to give me the news of my
grandmother's death, she told me that she didn't want to go to Japan to
the funeral. It would be a Buddhist ceremony, and she had a bad leg—it
must have been arthritis or something—and she didn't want to squat on
the floor during the service. She was afraid that she would have to use
a chair, and that she would embarrass the family. So she asked me if I
would go, instead.

So I went to Tokyo, to my aunt Noriko's house. My grandmother had
already been cremated by the time I got there, but I was in time for
her funeral ceremony at the family temple, and her interment in the
family cemetery plot. But before we left for the temple, my aunt took
me into the parlor where she was keeping my grandmother's remains. She
showed me the urn, which I dutifully admired, then she went to the
kitchen and brought back a small Tupperware container and a pair of
those disposable wooden chopsticks that you get with take-out sushi.
She lined the container with one of my grandmother's fancy
handkerchiefs, and she opened the urn and started taking out bits of my
grandmother's bones and placing them in the Tupperware.

As you can imagine, I was… surprised…for several reasons: First
to see that the cremains were bones and not ashes. Second to see my
aunt packing them in Tupperware. And third, to hear her naming each
bone as she did so. "This is a piece of your grandmother's skull. This
is a bit of her rib." When she had transferred three bones, she closed
up the container and handed it to me, telling me that I should take it
home and give it to my mother.

I didn't realize it at the time, but this is a custom, called honewake,
or dividing the bones, and it's often practiced when a person's family
has spread out and lives in different places, and it's also often
practiced when a women dies, so that her parents' family can have some
of her remains, as a consolation, while the majority are buried with
her husband.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I came back from Japan with the
bones and a large box of my grandmother's belongings, but with one
thing and another, I just didn't get around to bringing them home to my
mom. She and I had grown apart over the years, too. I was busy with my
career, and talking about death is never easy. She knew I had the
bones, and I kept hoping she'd ask me about them, but she never did.
And I didn't really want to bring up the subject. So I just kept moving
them around with me—I think I moved three or four times, and in every
new apartment, I would put the bones on a shelf in the closet and close
the door. I mean, talk about a skeleton in the closet! This went on for
about five years.

At the time, I was working in the television business, and was
trying to get away from commercial production. I was interested in
exploring my Japanese heritage, and I had started writing down little
snippits of family history, stuff that I'd heard from my mom and from
my grandmother. I started making lists of questions I had, and I
realized how much I didn't know. I felt a deep sense of loss and regret
that I could no longer ask my grandparents because they were dead. But
at the same time, I felt an increasing compulsion to make something out
of what remained.

I had my grandfather's photographs, and I had my grandmother's
bones. I had myself, and I had my mom. I had a duty to discharge, given
to me by my aunt—and as we've established, I am nothing if not dutiful.
But more powerful than that, I had a mandate from the dead.

This
might seem strange, but that's what it felt like. Like I had a mandate
from my dead Japanese grandparents to engage with the world creatively.
My grandfather had been a haiku poet and a photographer. He was the
first official park photographer for Volcano National Park on the Big
Island of Hawaii, and I grew up surrounded by his images and his words:
His black and white photographs of the Hawaiian landscape,
painstakingly hand-colored by my grandmother; his book of his poems;
and their beautifully calligraphed paintings and scrolls.

When I was little and just starting to write poems and take pictures
myself, my mother used to say that I was just like my grandfather. She
use to shake her head, ruefully, and marvel at how her father's talent
and love of the arts had skipped a generation, bypassing her, only to
end up in me. It made me feel very proud whenever she said this, and
she said it often, as though to make sure I would remember. I had only
met my grandfather once, when I was three, but somehow I felt a
transmission had occurred. And my grandmother, by bequeathing me her
bones, had completed the process. Those bones were the seal to the
mandate.

What came out of all this was the film that Anne mentioned, called
"Halving the Bones." It was the first creative effort I put out into
the world, and it tells the story of my grandparents, and of my
grandmother's death, and of delivering her bones to my mother. I'd like
to show you a short clip from the film now, so you can meet my Mom.

Halving the Bones (transcript)
MOM:	The famous bones that we've been talking about. . .
Ruth takes a bundle wrapped in plastic from the orange
backpack. She unwraps it and hands it to Mom.
RUTH These are the bones. Well, these, these are only a few of them. They just cremate it to the bone. MOM: Isn't that a beautiful container! RUTH: Yeah, this is the cloth that's, um, that they use for death... MOM: And then where'd you get this container? RUTH: It's a tea can. . . MOM: It's beautiful! RUTH It's just a regular tea can. You know when Noriko gave me the bones, she gave it to me actually in a Tupperware container, a little plastic Tupperware container that... MOM: (laughing) No...! RUTH: So, as soon as I could I found something a little more dignified. But even so, I mean, a tea can is still, you know.... MOM: No, but it's lovely, this container, it's a very nice....and it's so appropriate, I mean you know...You mean all of this is her bone? RUTH: There's just, look there's three pieces, there's three little pieces. They're very beautiful. Mom opens the can and looks inside. MOM: Oh, my... aren't they beau....they're colored! They're colored! Oh I hate to touch them because....Isn't that pretty! It's as if they were painted. Oh....isn't that interesting. My mother's bones....Huh. RUTH: Noriko was able to identify, she was able to identify which bone came from what part of the body. So she said, "this is part of a skull, this is part of a spine...." I can't remember, but.... MOM: But, but was there part of her brains in here, too? Mom peers into can. RUTH: I think there was definitely part of the skull, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure which part it is. Mom takes out a bone with a hole in it and turns it
around. She peeks through the hole.
MOM: ...Isn't that interesting. And it's such odd shapes.... My gosh.... She puts the cover back on the can and pats it. Then
addresses her mother, softly.
Well, we're talking about you. We're talking about you..... MOM: (patting the tea can) This is nice! This is nice. I like this. I like this. RUTH So the thing is, Mom, when.... I have this memory, that Grandma wanted her bones brought back to Hawaii. She said ... I have this memory she didn't want to, um, be buried in Japan. She wanted her bones brought back to Hawaii and thrown into the ocean. And, so what I was thinking was that you and I could go back to Hawaii, and do this..... (Long pause. . . )
MOM: When?
Fade up on Ruth's P.O.V., driving away from. Mom is
standing in front of doorway of her house, waving her arms
goodbye, and getting smaller and smaller.
RUTH (VO): Well, as it turned out, Mom really didn't want to go anywhere. She'd found her place in the world... in Connecticut... and nothing was going to convince her to leave. Mom lives entirely in the present, and I have to respect that. Still, I was satisfied with what she and I had done. Unpacking Grandma's things and taking care of her remains gave us something we could do together. It made our relationship important again, and we found a closeness that we never lost. Mom lives in the present, but I don't. I spend a lot of time poking around in the past or imagining the future. Before I left that day, Mom gave me some very specific instructions regarding the bones. This is what she said.

And I will tell you what she said
in a moment, but first I want to talk a bit about what happened next.

Writing, Dying, and Mom

Making the film helped me reconnect
with my mother. It gave me the excuse to spend time with her, and get
to know her, and learn to talk to her again. It was like our relationship
was somehow re-knit from the bones of my grandmother. Ultimately, when
my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 1997, and then my father
died in 1998, I decided to take care of her myself. I think that decision
was possible because of the closeness we'd found, and also because,
during the making of the film, I'd spent so much time thinking about
the ways that we lose people. I didn't want to be half a world away
from her when she died.

There is a powerful link between creativity
and death. I suspect that by engaging creatively with the world, by
telling stories through novels and poems and films, I am also engaging
with death—I imagine it, I try it on, I struggle to make sense of it
or to hold it at bay. When I sat down to write this talk, I realized
that, in the end, all my work has been in some way about dying. And
I know I'm not alone. Writing is a kind of imaginative journey into
the land of the dead. We learn things there, and then return what we
learn to the living. It is a journey undertaken by anyone who has ever
told stories, from Homer, to Dante, to Elizabeth Bishop. To write is
to practice of the art of losing.

It wasn't always easy to care for
my Mom. It became clear pretty quickly that she couldn't live on her
own, but my mother, like most mothers, had a serious stubborn streak.
You saw how adamant she was about not leaving Connecticut? I was prepared
for the worst, but I'm happy to say that, although I never could get
her to agree to go back to Hawaii with me, in 1999, she packed a tiny
suitcase with a toothbrush, two bathing suits and a pair of pajamas,
and declared herself ready to come home with me and my husband to British
Columbia. She lived there with us there, in a little house next to ours,
pretty much until she died, just over a year ago.

And I'd like to share just a little
of what I wrote during that time, which was part of my practice of losing.
This is from my weblog.

Sunday, August 17, 2003 
So, my mother said to me, the other day, "When I die, are
you going to start renting out this house to other people?"
She is staying in a little house down the driveway from
ours.
"I haven't thought about it," I replied, hedging. Obviously
I don't like it when she talks about dying.
"Well, you should take the washer dryer up to your house
before you rent it to anyone."
"The washing machine. . . ?"
"Yes," she said. "I don't know why you put it in this house.
You have to come all the way down here every time you want
to do your laundry."
"We put it down here so we could all share...." We put it
down here so we'd have another excuse to hang out with you.
We put it down here because we are afraid you'll become
bedridden and incontinent
.
"Well," she said, "that's very nice of you, but after I die
I don't want to have to worry about you not having a washer
dryer."
"Mom," I told her. "Please." She's had Alzheimer's since the
mid 1990's, she's just been diagnosed with what looks like
jaw cancer, and she's eighty-nine years old. She has enough
on her mind without worrying about our laundry.
"So you'll take it back up to your house?"
"Mom, when you die, I'm burying the washer dryer with you."
"Don't be silly."
"I don't want to have to worry about your dirty clothes when
you're in heaven." (I don't really believe in heaven, and
neither does she, but I know she will humor me.)
"Clothes don't get dirty in heaven," she said, staring at a
tall Douglas fir outside the window. "Clothes are always
clean in heaven."
"They are?"
"Yes. They have angels there who do all the laundry. Now,
isn't that a lovely tree? What kind of tree is that?"
May 25, 2004 A lot has happened. My mother turned 90 last month and we had a little birthday party for her. "How old am I?" she asked me. "You're ninety, mom." Her eyes widened. "I am! That's unbelievable! How can I be ninety? I don't feel ninety." "How old do you feel?" "Forty." She was perfectly serious. I laughed. "You can't be forty. Even I'm older than forty." "You are?" she exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
"Gee, thanks."
She shook her head. "You know, I must be getting old. I just
can't remember anything, anymore." She looked up at me and
blinked. "How old am I?"
Later on, I asked her, "How does it feel?"
"What?"
"When you can't remember things. Does it frighten you? Do
you feel sad?"
"Well, not really. I have this condition, you see. It's
called osteo... "
"You mean Alzheimer's?" I said, helping her out.
She looked astonished. "Yes! How on earth did you know
that?"
"Just a guess..."
"I can never remember the name," she explained.
"Of course not."
"It affects my memory..."
"...And that's why you can't remember."
She frowned and shook her head. "Remember what?"
"There's not a single thing I can do about it," she told me,
when I reminded her. "If there was something I could do and
I wasn't doing it, then I could feel sad or depressed. But
as it is...." She shrugged.
"So you're okay with it?"
She looked at me, patiently. "I don't have much choice," she
explained, "so I may as well be happy."
December 8, 2005 Dear Norman, Thank you for asking me to write this. As you know, my mom died one month ago, today. She had three terminal conditions: Alzheimer's, cancer of the jaw, and ninety years of living. Her death should have come as no surprise, but of course when she died in my arms, I was astonished. How can this life, which has persisted here on this earth for over ninety years, be over? Just like that? This strange new state of momlessness is inconceivable to me. It is new and foreign, a condition I've never experienced in my own forty-eight years of living. I've been taking care of my mom for the last ten years, so my grieving is minute and quotidian. When I go to the grocery store, I find myself searching for things that are soft and sweet (she loved chocolate and she had no teeth), or beautiful bright things (she loved flowers, but her sight was failing). Then I remember that she isn't here anymore, and I'll never see her face light up when I come into her room, or hear her exclaim over the color of a leaf or a petal or the sky. For the first couple of weeks, I just stood in the ice cream aisle, stunned and weeping. When I think about her death from her perspective, mostly I just feel relief. She was beginning to suffer a lot of pain and confusion, and I believe she was ready to go. But when I think about it from my point of view, it breaks my heart. Maybe that's selfish. I don't know. All I know is that I miss her like crazy. I miss her thin little fingers. I miss holding her hand. I miss twirling her wedding ring around so the tiny chip of a diamond sits back on top. I've tried so hard to be strong for her. When she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's ten years ago, our roles began to switch. I took over caring for her, and slowly she became dependent on me. In the end, I was feeding her and changing her, and she was calling me mom. Alzheimer's is an achingly long way to say goodbye, but I had to be strong, I thought. It would only confuse and upset her to see me cry. Then a few months ago, I had to take a trip and leave her for a couple of weeks. I went to tell her, knowing that she might die while I was gone, and as I sat on the bed next to her, the tears just came and there was no stopping them. I tried not to let her see, but of course she noticed. She's my mom, after all--it's her job to notice these things. She put her arm around me, put her head on my shoulder, and although she'd pretty much stopped using language by then, she made these sweet, singing, mom-like noises meant to comfort me. And it worked, and I felt better, and when I left, we were both laughing. So that was good. My grieving gave her something that she could do well, something she could succeed at, and that made her happy. It let her be the strong one for a change. They say every death is different, and I think every occasion of grief is different, too. When my dad died, I was angry because he was angry and despairing. He did not want to die. He wasn't ready; and I was in charge of his health care; and neither of us could do a damn thing to prevent or forestall this utterly unthinkable and unacceptably terminal outcome. I was mad at him for his lack of readiness, and I was furious at myself for my impotence and lack of compassion. After he died, I couldn't think of him without a lot of pain and anger and confusion and despair and sense of having failed him. I couldn't look at his picture without feeling my insides twist. I wanted to look away. And I did. I remember I drank a lot, too, in order to get through it. I took his death very personally. It was different with my mom. We'd had lots of time together, and we were both as ready as we could ever be. And I wasn't drinking. I quit two months before she died. I'd done the drunken death-and-grieving thing once, and it was lousy. I didn't want to do it again. I wanted to keep my wits about me. I didn't want to run away. The last thing I promised my dad was to take care of my mom. He knew she had Alzheimer's, and he was tortured at having to leave her behind. So for ten years now, I've been fulfilling my promise to him. And this has been good, too.
His request gave me something that I could do well,
something I could succeed at, and this has made me happy.
So I'm grateful to my parents for dying in my presence, and
for teaching me their two different ways of how it can be
done. It is hard work, dying, but after watching my mom and
dad, I realize that we're built to do it.
Grieving is hard work, too, but again, I guess we're built
to do it. We come equipped with hearts to break, and eyes to
cry with. We have brains to hold the memories and stories,
and voices to tell them with. We have the capacity to love
and heal.
Now, a month after my mom's death, I'm not crying in the
grocery store so often anymore. Instead, when I think of my
mom, I buy a sweet and offer it to her, and then I eat it
(she hated wasting perfectly good food). I bring home
flowers and admire them through her eyes. I take walks for
her by the ocean and look at the sky.
So that's a little bit of what it's been like. Thanks again,
Norman, for asking me to write this. It helps to have a
place to put the feelings.
with love,
Ruth
Negotiating with the Dead

I said earlier that through writing we try to make sense of
suffering and death, but I think actually the impulse is even more
fundamental than that.

Writing derives from the foreknowledge, and the fear, of death. If
we were not able to foresee our own termination, then why would we
bother to write things down? If we could not envision the world without
us, then why would we feel the need to leave bits of ourselves behind?
And if we were not compelled to hold on to our dead, then why would we
mourn, or grieve, or commemorate them? Why would we feel the need to
speak to them, or for them? Why would we need history at all?

You could argue, and others have, that all stories are about dying.
The act of telling a story is an act of negotiating with the dead, to
use Margaret Atwood's phrase.

Storytelling is about the ticking of the clock. It's about "Once
upon a time." Stories have unique qualities that set them apart from
arts like music, performance, or pictorial representation. Unlike
painting, stories are time-based—they unfold through time. Unlike
performance, they persist—they stick around. And unlike music, they are
literal.

Stories literally re-enact time passing. They are born, they live,
and then they die, and every time you participate in the act of writing
or reading a story, you are performing a cycle of living and dying.
Pretending. Practicing. Rehearsing, if you will.

Stories are messages from the nether land, the land of the dead, and writers are the future dead, calling back to the living.

In the publishing business, there's a saying, "The only good author
is a dead author." For those of us still living, this sentiment is a
bit discouraging, but at least we can take consolation in knowing that
the best may still lie ahead. And to be fair, you can see their point.
Authors are, hands down, the most problematic link in the production
chain. They are moody, and unreliable. They can be preening prima
donnas, or stubbornly reclusive, puffed up or crippled by doubt. Often
they have bad habits, like drinking or philandering or bad hygiene.
Generally, these are not people you want in key roles in your
production team.

But really, when you think about it, the saying is quite true. The
majority of the books and stories that we read—the good ones, anyway,
the ones that linger—are written by dead authors. Language, itself, the
very medium of story, is an inheritance bequeathed to us by the dead,
and when we practice the art of telling stories, we do so in the
tongues of the dead, calling them back to life.

Art of Letting Go

Which brings us back to Elizabeth Bishop's poem, One Art. The
art that Bishop refers to in the poem is the art of losing, which, like
any art, must be practiced, and in fact will be practiced whether we
like it or not.

But in the final stanza, she intrudes upon her very last line with a
private, parenthetical command, which suggests there is yet another art
that is equally imperative:

 
. . . It's evident 
the art of losing's not too hard to master 
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster. 

"Write it!" she commands herself. Write it! Write
your loss, because for a poet, this disaster that we call life—and it
truly is a disaster, when you think about it—can only be transformed
into magnificence through the practice of this One Art. It is through
poetry that Bishop practices the art of losing, and transforms each
loss into a poem, which is a kind of liberation, a letting go. And
through the poem she leaves behind, post-mortem, she shows us all how
to make the journey and to effect this transformation, too.

I spent ten years losing my Mom, little by little, to Alzheimer's.
But during those years, I wrote two books, and countless letters and
weblog postings and stories and journal entries and poems. This past
week, while I was writing this talk, I realized that by following a
dead poet's injunction, by practicing this art of losing, I had been
turning loss into letting go.

Now this, of course, is precisely what the Zen Hospice folks, in their wisdom, had known from the start.

It seems to me that Zen Hospice Project is really about living and
teaching this very practice: Of turning losing into letting go, loss
into liberation, and disaster back into the magnificence of life.

So I'd like to thank the folks at ZHP for teaching this practice—and also for helping me find the title of my talk today.

And on behalf of the ZHP, I would like to thank all of you for your
generosity—for generously and joyously letting go—and thereby helping
so many people to do the same.

If Mom were here, she'd thank you, too.

—Oh, and I promised to tell you what Mom said. She told me to take
her bones, and my grandmother's bones, back to Hawaii and throw them
both in the ocean. I confess, I haven't done that yet. I'm not quite
ready to let go.

® 2006, Ruth Ozeki