Presence - December 2011
by | December 16, 2011 at 12:49 PM
The more I look into my intentions about something the less I seem to know what my intentions actually are. What do I intend? What do I want? What do I believe? I often think I know but as I investigate more deeply I invariably see contradictions. I want to be happy, yes, but also something in me insists on my unhappiness. I want to be good, yes, but something in me seems always to want to be less than good, or to question and undermine the good that's in me.
So it turns out my intentions, goals, beliefs, are much less reliable than I thought they were. Like everyone else, my intentions, goals, beliefs are both conscious and unconscious. And I am unconscious about my unconscious (which is why they call it UNconscious). So who knows what my intentions really are?
Here is where some sense of disciplined spiritual commitment comes into play. In a way spiritual commitments can be said to be non-intentional. Zazen practice isn't something I intend and do because I intend it; I do it because that's what I do, it is a commitment, it is a life. Whether I intend it or not.
Intentions, desires, good new year's resolutions come and go. Presence is more than this - even when my intentions and desires come and go I remain present. I am my life - which is somehow more than my goals, intentions, desires, and plans - my life that's conscious. And unconscious.
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